puerperium cardigan 1I had big ol’ plans.

I set my intentions. For real this time.

Imagine my utter surprise when all I wanted to do was crochet. Knit. Create my art.

That wasn’t exactly what the big ol’ plan was. The big ol’ plan was to create this monstrous “independent lifestyle” where I would be who I am, do what I love, give the gifts that are mine to give.

Problem is, what I thought that would look like is nothing like it’s turning out to be. And I’m okay with that.

Now.

I wasn’t okay with it at first. At first I heard those all-too-familiar chastizing words,

“loser”

“useless”

“lazy”

“you’ll never be successful”

I’m more aware now. Those words, that voice, have nothing on me. Not any longer. My self-love has deepened to the place that I can counter those words with the truth about me. Truth with a capital “T”.

My ego self thought I had it all figured out, how my big ol’ plan would unfold. And it just wasn’t unfolding. I felt resistance. I had a nice plan. A plan to create a new career that would be less stressful. A plan that scared me just enough to make me grow. A plan that had me out of my government job by the end of July. Of this year, yeah. And it scared me.

It scared me so much I felt just a little frozen to act on the big ol’ plan. So I did what I haven’t done before. I checked in with myself. I have been spending a lot of time alone (when the kid isn’t home, that is). I’ve been asking myself to do what feels GOOD. Just that. I’ve asked the Universe to take over and help me create the life I want. Because I’m pretty sure I’m not meant to go through so much anguish Monday to Friday 8:30 to 4:30 and think about the job 24/7. It hasn’t felt like living. It has felt like prison. Mind Prison.

Good for me for making a move. Or a plan at least.

Except I forgot all those prayers of surrender I sent up. I forgot about all that help I enlisted from the Universe. I know this Life can be easier. I know I can live in a way that has me in flow. I know this. Others do it all the time. I am no less deserving. This I know (now) to be true.

I love myself so much, that I refuse to PUSH. I refuse to manipulate Life any longer. It is much too beautiful and powerful and pleasurable to be shoved into the tiny container I think it ought to fit. No more.

I made a decision to allow life to unfold. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what that looks like. That can be scary. But you either trust Life or you don’t. How badly do you want to live in flow WITH Life? How badly do I want it?

Badly enough to stop pushing. Badly enough to really trust Life to show me the next steps. And the next. And the next.

In the meantime, I do what I love. I didn’t know what would happen when I committed to fulfilling my soul by knitting, crocheting and creating my art.

I’ve had enough teachers telling me. My inner ear imbalance has forced me to sit. To rest. To not get on the treadmill for awhile. So hard to rest. So hard to not DO DO DO.

But I can do what I love. I can be with my creative projects. I feel so incredibly happy knitting, crocheting, painting, glueing, writing. Being me. I love my own company. I am a 52-year-old single woman and I am happy doing what I love.

I stayed with it. I have produced booties, newborn baby hats, cabled sweaters for my grandbaby coming in July. I have made tags, art journal pages, backgrounds. I listened to my intuition/Universe awhile back when It said,

“Make a special place to work”

I did as I was directed. I made a creative corner. I thought it was to do something all business-like. My big ol’ plan. My big ol’ plan was not THE BIG NEW PLAN.

Stitch after stitch, there is a NEW PLAN. I have direction. Real direction. Meaningful, loving-what-I-love direction. Yes, it involves being my creative self. I am enough. What I love is enough. I am meant to share what I love, share who I am doing what I love. It IS enough.

So excited.