Mercury has gone retrograde again. I’d like to think I’m not ruled by planetary influences. Mostly because the ego doesn’t like to feel like something has control over it. The more retrogrades I experience, the more real and relevant they are for me. I now heed the advice of astrologers everywhere to finish up projects, don’t start anything new, pause and reflect.
This time around is a doozie. This morning, before I was even reminded of Mercury retrograde, I pulled a muscle in my back WASHING MY HAIR. I know. Athlete, aren’t I?! If it wasn’t so painful I’d find this incredibly funny. But here I am at home today, nursing a VERY sore shoulder. But I’m not surprised, based on what happened yesterday. Let me explain.
Without going into personal details of why, here’s what happened: I made a counselling appointment for my teenage daughter. I didn’t look at my phone until 11:00 am to see she texted to say she couldn’t make the appointment. I felt devastated. It felt like she was saying no to working on her stuff. I felt responsible. And guilty. Quite the story I was making up.
I showed up at her work to make sure she could get to her appointment. I didn’t want the logistics of transportation to prevent her from going. It wasn’t that. She adamantly refused to leave work and keep her appointment due to her own work ethic. She hadn’t given her employer enough notice and she didn’t want to just leave, no matter how important I felt it was. It was obvious to me that I had more invested in this appointment than she did. Especially because of my surprising, spontaneous reaction. She just wasn’t going. Not never, just not right now. And I can’t make my Taurus do anything she doesn’t want to.
I felt AWFULLLLLLLLL.
All kinds of emotions arose. Holy cow, what was that all about? I was CRYING as I got back into the car. Whoa. Something was triggered. I really needed to talk to someone and NOW. So I kept the appointment. He was very accommodating.
He was a good listener. I talked about anger and resentment. I’ll spare the personal details. I learned something about my new friends, anger and resentment. Up until then I kept telling myself I had to “get rid of” the anger and resentment that would arise from time to time. I was convinced my new friends were the reason why I felt I was being held back in my life. Turns out it wasn’t my new friends. It was my own unwillingness and/or inability to even LOOK at the anger and resentment.
I fully recognize the privileged life I live. I am grateful for all I have and all I am. There is also this. I don’t feel these feelings all the time, but when I do, I can feel myself stuffing them down, tampering down the incredible fire and power I feel below, in my belly when these two friends come knocking for recognition. Here is where living a creative life is an incredibly useful tool for transformation. I opened up a dialogue this morning on an art book page. In pencil I wrote:
What does anger and resentment want me to know? To hear? To learn? About them and about myself?
Then I listen and write down, in pencil (because it covers up pretty well with paint) what my new friends are trying to say to me. Here’s what they had to say:
- we store memory of what is not wanted
- we are normal
- most everyone has us
- we are just keepers of the past
- we are pieces of you
- you earned us – we aren’t the burden you think we are
- we have value, we hold value, we will not lead you astray
- you don’t need to be afraid of us
- we cannot harm you
- you can use us to build what you want in this life
- you are richer for it
- he DIDN’T treat you kindly
- life DIDN’T work out how you thought it would
- we are not negative or dark; we just are
- you don’t need us in the present moment but we cannot rest until you know us…and love us
Powerful stuff this morning. My sore shoulder is a result of my bringing up anger and resentment. During the counselling session, I felt the anger and resentment in the moment. The counsellor helped me recognize the effect in my body in real time. Afterwards I noticed a burning in my shoulders. I was feeling the burden of carrying not the anger and resentment all these years, but the resistance of dealing with it, of accepting it. It’s my left shoulder I hurt, my shield-holding shoulder. The one that guards. You know when you put down something you’ve been carrying for far too long? It hurts like that.
I can’t keep pushing down my feelings. It does not do me any good. In a practical life sense or in a creative sense. I’m not allowing the Divine magic to flow through when I am busy shoving my new friends back down into the basement of my gut. Or further. I am hurting badly today, but I know I’ll heal. I’m hurting badly and it feels good knowing it is the letting go that hurts. The release. Truth is, my new friends, anger and resentment, are here to stay. I won’t be getting rid of them because I can’t. They are pieces of me. It is up to me how I allow them into my life. There are here to stay. I cannot change the past. There is much I am angry and resentful about. Life didn’t work out like I thought. There was unkindness. There was disrespect and disregard. And it’s okay. It’s okay. I don’t have to get rid of these feelings. I want to feel every aspect of my being. They are keepers of my experience and I’m going to lay down my shield and not pick it up again. I’ve put it on the page, where it will stay.