I bought this faux leather journal at Wal-Mart (don’t judge me, I’m in a small town). I liked journaling in it. For reals journaling, where you put your feelings down on the page. It has this elastic fastener that goes around the whole book. Was handy for keeping random papers from floating away.

I kept the journal long after I had finished with it. i don’t know exactly why. I was not prone to re-reading my angst-filled journal entries. I decided to upcycle them and use the pages for art journaling. It’s worked out fairly well. The pages are a little thin, but otherwise it’s been fine. The elastic still comes in handy.

So tonight I was feeling a little down. Second day back after vacation at the day job. It’s been very hard. I lazed around the house all evening and came to the conclusion that maybe I’m just needing to rest. Didn’t like that realization, but I accepted it eventually. Couldn’t bear to laze anymore, so I organized my new art cart and took out my art journal.

I try to not read back on the old entries. There’s no point. Sometimes, though, my eye catches something and I go back in time three whole years ago and I get a glimpse of my old life. Today I caught such a glimpse. I wrote something like this:

I don’t have the support I need to be successful. {in your best “whining about family of origin” voice}. If I really believe that I have everything I need to be successful at whatever I choose to do, then I must not need the support of my family to be successful. What if I actually do have everything I need right now?

I realized that I was the one choosing to believe that I didn’t have the support I needed. Really, it was just an excuse I made up for myself to keep me small. To enable my constant self-sabotage. Once I woke up to what I was running through my head, I decided I didn’t want to believe that belief anymore. It no longer served me. I chose to believe that I am provided with everything I need to become greater than my present self. Not in a “not enough’ way, but an evolutionary way.

You are the believer, not the belief.

Sometimes we get SOOOOO attached to our beliefs that it feels absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to create something new out of nothing.

That was about three years ago that I wrote that. I won’t say things changed overnight for me. They certainly didn’t. It was useful for me to 1) read this old entry this week and 2) see how far I have come. I no longer feel like I’m missing out on support. Actually, I never whine about lack of support. At all. I know that I have what I need, seen and unseen, of this world and not. I have also learned that I need to ask for support if/when I need it and cannot see it.

Support is very often there when I ask. It’s always about asking for what we need.